Somewhere between delusion and denial ♫
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30/7 - I been mixin’, I been sippin’.

It’s been two days since the most chaotic week and I think I’ve been making some good progress albeit my sleeping pattern is still pretty fucked up; I sleep when the sun rises because that’s how lazy rad people do it. 

Vanessa and her friend, Jack spent some time with me yesterday. We ate pizza, talked about feelings and she made me laugh a lot. Despite the many wrongs that happened, I’m glad I still have a lot of good people around me. 

Until next time, folks.


I woke up to the sharpest pain in my chest. My eyes were swollen from all the crying I did the night before and I refused to leave my bed. I couldn’t speak without my voice cracking because I was about to cry some more. I didn’t want to eat because I had no appetite; is this what having a broken heart feels like? I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

28 July 2014

I’m feeling very empty. 

I award this week as The Toughest Week I’ve had in the month of July. I’m glad it’s Sunday. That means everything is over. I’m hoping that I don’t have any kind of human interaction for the next 10 days because I am exhausted. I’m exhausted of people trying to get to know a person just to manipulate them to doing things they don’t want to do. 

I’m tired of people complaining that they can’t stand vulnerable people; that’s what makes us human beings, idiots. I’m tired of hypocrisy. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m not an object. I’m a human being. Don’t treat me like your personal phonebook. I’m tired of boys (the ones I know, not in general) complaining about not being able to find intelligent girls. If they didn’t think with their second head, maybe they’d find her, hmm? Just a thought. 

I’m tired of listening to them say ‘appearances don’t matter, inner beauty conquers all’ but when a kick-ass girl that’s not conventionally pretty is attracted to them, she doesn’t get any attention but the girl with the big tits and no personality is the one they bow down to. I’m really tired. 

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes and I had a terrible pain in my chest. I’ve not felt this pain since my grandmother passed away. I’m feeling very fragile, scared and alone. I’m feeling so alone. 

Who needs people anyway?

I write when I cannot speak my mind. I’m glad I have this outlet to express myself but sometimes it seems like I shouldn’t flood the internet with this negative energy. 

Today you mentioned being interested in someone I don’t think is worthy of your attention but you seem to think she is, and that hurt. A little bit. I ask myself, ‘why not me? Is it because I’m not pretty?’ and I know that you won’t admit it but that’s the real reason isn’t it? 

He said he never wanted to lose me but what makes him think I want to be present when he’s holding someone else’s hand? I wish I could tell him all that I feel but the responses I imagine him to give is worrying. I know he’ll distance yourself. It’s always the case.

It’s as if I’m a plague. 

I tell myself repeatedly, ‘don’t worry, Ika. This is a phase and it will be over. These feelings won’t matter’ but what if they decide to linger forever? What do I have to do to ensure that I don’t do anything to fuck up our friendship? Leave? Maybe it’s for the better. 

And you know what’s the funniest thing ever: you said you didn’t want to date me because you were afraid of losing me but here we are, you deciding to date someone and me finding a polite way to excuse myself from your life. 

You didn’t try and you lost me, anyway. 

I fucking hate feelings, you guys. 


I haven’t slept properly in a week. I seem to be sleeping less as each day passes and the pounding in my head is starting to annoy me. Panadols aren’t helping. Sometimes I forget to eat because I don’t feel hungry for an entire day. It’s unhealthy. 

This week started with the girls and I running on one hour’s worth of sleep, heading to KLIA to send Sheena off. I was upset that I won’t be able to hang out with her for a while but incredibly happy for all the experiences and memories she’ll be making. After that it was just work, and unexpected burst of emotions. 

I’ve been dealing with things rather terrible. I’m pessimistic. I don’t believe forever is meant for me. Even when it concerns friendships. When I confide in someone, I always look at it as doing something stupid. Nobody really wants to hear me whine, do they? I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable. I want to bury my head in my pillow and drown in my tears. 

I’m really tired but I have so much to say. So much I want to type, maybe I’ll leave it for later today. Until then, imaginary friends.