I write when I cannot speak my mind. I’m glad I have this outlet to express myself but sometimes it seems like I shouldn’t flood the internet with this negative energy.
Today you mentioned being interested in someone I don’t think is worthy of your attention but you seem to think she is, and that hurt. A little bit. I ask myself, ‘why not me? Is it because I’m not pretty?’ and I know that you won’t admit it but that’s the real reason isn’t it?
He said he never wanted to lose me but what makes him think I want to be present when he’s holding someone else’s hand? I wish I could tell him all that I feel but the responses I imagine him to give is worrying. I know he’ll distance yourself. It’s always the case.
It’s as if I’m a plague.
I tell myself repeatedly, ‘don’t worry, Ika. This is a phase and it will be over. These feelings won’t matter’ but what if they decide to linger forever? What do I have to do to ensure that I don’t do anything to fuck up our friendship? Leave? Maybe it’s for the better.
And you know what’s the funniest thing ever: you said you didn’t want to date me because you were afraid of losing me but here we are, you deciding to date someone and me finding a polite way to excuse myself from your life.
You didn’t try and you lost me, anyway.
I fucking hate feelings, you guys.