Somewhere between delusion and denial ♫
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So, if you remove credits, I will cut you.


I write when I cannot speak my mind. I’m glad I have this outlet to express myself but sometimes it seems like I shouldn’t flood the internet with this negative energy. 

Today you mentioned being interested in someone I don’t think is worthy of your attention but you seem to think she is, and that hurt. A little bit. I ask myself, ‘why not me? Is it because I’m not pretty?’ and I know that you won’t admit it but that’s the real reason isn’t it? 

He said he never wanted to lose me but what makes him think I want to be present when he’s holding someone else’s hand? I wish I could tell him all that I feel but the responses I imagine him to give is worrying. I know he’ll distance yourself. It’s always the case.

It’s as if I’m a plague. 

I tell myself repeatedly, ‘don’t worry, Ika. This is a phase and it will be over. These feelings won’t matter’ but what if they decide to linger forever? What do I have to do to ensure that I don’t do anything to fuck up our friendship? Leave? Maybe it’s for the better. 

And you know what’s the funniest thing ever: you said you didn’t want to date me because you were afraid of losing me but here we are, you deciding to date someone and me finding a polite way to excuse myself from your life. 

You didn’t try and you lost me, anyway. 

I fucking hate feelings, you guys. 


I haven’t slept properly in a week. I seem to be sleeping less as each day passes and the pounding in my head is starting to annoy me. Panadols aren’t helping. Sometimes I forget to eat because I don’t feel hungry for an entire day. It’s unhealthy. 

This week started with the girls and I running on one hour’s worth of sleep, heading to KLIA to send Sheena off. I was upset that I won’t be able to hang out with her for a while but incredibly happy for all the experiences and memories she’ll be making. After that it was just work, and unexpected burst of emotions. 

I’ve been dealing with things rather terrible. I’m pessimistic. I don’t believe forever is meant for me. Even when it concerns friendships. When I confide in someone, I always look at it as doing something stupid. Nobody really wants to hear me whine, do they? I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable. I want to bury my head in my pillow and drown in my tears. 

I’m really tired but I have so much to say. So much I want to type, maybe I’ll leave it for later today. Until then, imaginary friends. 


I have 15 tabs open but my eyes are already feeling sore from all the reading I’ve done in the last hour two hours. When did it become 5:05? I could’ve sworn I told myself to sleep before mum woke up. 

Tragic events keep me up all night. I can’t stop thinking about how others are feeling and I don’t like that I can’t do very much to make them feel better except for keeping them in my thoughts. 

Edwin Starr and I feel the same way about war because what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. You totally sang it. 

This week I felt more anger than anything else; I wished people didn’t hide behind religion when it’s convenient for them. I don’t think God would appreciate that. I wish I didn’t spend so much money on beer but I…. like to drank. I wish parents wouldn’t assume that decisions made by their kids are reckless and stupid. Sometimes kids know what’s good for them better than their parents do, jafeels? 

This week I saw Fatima for a few hours and I couldn’t stop thinking about the sleepover that’s suppose to happen after Raya. I spent a little time with the girls on Tuesday but there will be more moments this weekend! I saw Ashraf + gang for dinner yesterday and if he wasn’t so hungover, I would’ve been clingier. 


I’m taking a break from Facebook, Twitter and Instagram because everything I’m seeing is depressing me and it’s making sleeping so much more difficult - as if having trouble sleeping wasn’t bad enough! 

If anyone needs to reach me: smoke signal. 



Making ninja themed badge sets today! Which button is your favorite? 😊

#shopprogress #ninja #1inch #flairbuttons #knitting #yarn #sneakykitteh

(via kayjenno)

There’s never a dull moment and what worries is me how I will handle the day when everything tones down.

I’d probably be scattered across the sea by that time but even that might be interesting.